The Infinite One

For Meher Baba's Birthday, February 25, 1894

The Song

The sands of the Infinite desert

Stretch out far beyond the eye.

Each grain calls out to me,

Each cry beyond my ear.

I am aware of every soul

Knowing all and yet alone.

My strength is in the sky.

Gaseous ball of firelight

Burns the suffering sand,

Cool ether of the cosmos

Within my heart and hand.

Pitted, crater covered moon

Glows beyond the sea.

Within I am alone in thought,

Water, earth, rock, sky is me.

And you who feel nothing,

A tortured ignorance

Of all that is beyond—

Look to the stars.

Hear the boulders sing.

Let the waves, the wind

Enlighten you.

Baba Ran, 2/24/16

Liberation

Meher Baba

I am You.

There is nothing else to be.

You are Everywhere,

In Everything,

And Beyond Everything.

Every part of my being

Is You.

To know this

Is pure joy.

What I like about You

Is also

What I like about me.

In this knowledge

I have found Love

For myself

And for All.

There is nowhere else

To look

For Love and Truth.

All is within me

And I am free.

Baba Ran, 12/19/15

The Man with the Flute

The Man with the Flute

The birds of winter find a home on the beach
Where the man with the flute feeds them.
Beside the infinite ocean
Gray-green like the overarching sky
Wings flutter in anticipation.
They jostle each other and peck
Finding best position in the crowd.
The sand is hard, rocks line the shore.
A stray dog barks and they scatter
Back to the waves, floating together
In the metallic water
Over curling tide that crashes into splinters,
Freezing foam on the rocks
They persevere.
When danger passes they leap into the wind
Feet and chubby bellies landing gracelessly
To chase more bits of corn.
The ocean is indifferent, cold and hard
The setting sunlight strains to be seen
Through the darkening clouds.
Dinner for the ducks is nearly done.
The man with the flute comes every day,
And the birds and I wait.
In the late afternoon as fall becomes winter,
I sit in my heated car
While they shake frigid droplets from wings and beaks.
It is food for me too.
I rest assured that compassion rules the steely winter.

Barbara Gilbert, 11/19/15

http://youtu.be/t6RW4h5PnRk

Bravo Mike Martin for flute playing and videography!!

Spiritual Emergency (Emerge..and..see)

It is my experience that God speaks to me.

This experience began to manifest itself in 1999 when I was suicidal. Instead of hurting myself, I surrendered my life to God by lying facedown on the floor and saying with all my heart, "God, I have done everything I can do on my own. I can do no more. If you want me to get up from this floor, You are going to have to do it for me."

I blacked out. I don't know how long I was lying there, but when I arose I felt the distinct presence of an angel—the Archangel Michael to be exact. Michael was directing my life and body, and God was talking to me through my spiritual ears. God asked me what I wanted. I was so sad and broken that I said, "I want a party." In a sweet, compassionate voice, I heard God say, "Are you sure?"

God was so gentle, so loving, so kind. I immediately broke down crying and regretted asking for a party. I said, "No God. I want Love. I want Love for me, Love for You, and Love for all the world."
God said "Done."

Since that time, I have had regular experiences like this. Soon after this began happening, I learned of Meher Baba, a Master from India who claimed to be the modern advent of Jesus Christ. Through many revelations, dreams, and visions, as well as thorough studying of Meher Baba's words and life, I have come to believe that His claim is true.

All of this hit me like lightning. I felt as if bolts of electricity were shooting from my head to my feet. I couldn't control my joy at finding God, and I started acting in a very bizarre manner. I told people that I was talking to God, and my family and friends called me "delusional." Mental health professionals called me "bi-polar" and "grandiose." No matter what medications they put me on, I still had regular contact with God. Over time, I have spoken to assorted angels, spirits, and demons, all while working for God to spread knowledge of Meher Baba to the world.

My mental illness is nothing new in spiritual literature. Meher Baba writes about it in Discourses (6th edition, Volume 3, pages 29-30.) According to Baba, some spiritual aspirants "become dazed, confused and even self-deluded. Some are caught in a coma. There are some who, with difficulty, try to come down to gross consciousness by repeating some physical action or by repeating a sentence many times. There are some who, in their God-intoxication, are so indifferent to the life of the gross world that to all appearances their external behavior is like that of mad persons." . . . "Aspirants are mostly happy: it is due to their contact and communion with God. For some the joy of inward companionship with the Divine Beloved is so great that they become unbalanced in their behaviour. As a result, in their unsubdued state of God-intoxication they may abuse people, throw stones at them and behave like ghosts. Their state is often described as that of the Unmatta. Owing to the exuberance of uncontrolled joy in their inward contact with the Divine Beloved, they are utterly heedless of worldly standards or values. Owing to the fearlessness which comes to them through complete detachment, they often manifest a self-expression which can easily be mistaken for idiosyncrasy and unruliness." (Emphasis His)

Readings like this helped me through very difficult times. I've swung back and forth for the last 16 years, from states of total absorption in God to relatively normal living. I've been evaluated and treated in nearly 30 mental hospitals and I currently take medication for bi-polar disorder. I find our mental health system to be sorely lacking in information about spiritual "emergencies." Most providers treat only according to the medical model which diagnoses every disorder as biological in nature. I've had very few therapists willing to talk about spiritual realities with me, and many people "correct" me to say that I am not hearing God, but hearing "voices" as if I were schizophrenic.

It is my hope to inform the public that there is more out there and that much of it can't be "fixed" with a pill. Problems like mine needed spiritual help, and I have been blessed to know several people in the Meher Baba community who give me the support and encouragement I need. Over time, I have stabilized and have been able to function without difficulty in the gross world. My Reality remains within me, however. As Meher Baba said, "God alone is Real."

Back from a long break

I haven't posted a blog entry in a long time. Life has been going by, with its share of ups and downs. I lost my mother to lung disease in December 2013. That was particularly difficult. We had so many conflicts over the last few years, but in the last year of her life we were able to talk openly and heal many of the wounds. When she died, I had no regrets. I had made my peace with her and it felt really good.

I never made it to Africa. Maybe someday.

Now I am looking forward to a possible career change. I hope it works out. Along those lines I am happy to say that I have been volunteering to run some groups at a local recovery center. I lead a writer's group and a spirituality group. My new career will allow me to continue in the roll of counselor and support specialist for my peers who have struggled with mental illness. It is the culmination of some of my greatest dreams and I have a lot of hope for the future.

As Meher Baba says—"Have hope. I have come to help you in surrendering yourselves to the Cause of God and in accepting His grace of Love and Truth. I have come to help you in winning the one victory of all victories—to win yourself." I have found these words to ring true for me as the years go by. All of my hope rests in God and He never disappoints.

Blessings to one and all.

On the other side of normal

The way to enlightenment is very frightening. In the pursuit of ultimate truth, one has to face that God is actually EVERYTHING . . . not just the pleasant stuff of hymns and fairy tales. It was my sincere belief, for a long time, that God was a sadistic torturer. I expected him to rip me to shreds and keep me in pain for eternity. I suffered intensely for knowledge of this God . . . experience of this God. I wanted to understand completely the nature of this God. In the end, I see that this God is as tired and as shell-shocked as I am . . . in fact, this God is intimately connected to me, and is everything that I also am. This God has been unhappy and lonely and desperate. This God has been abused and neglected. This God is a survivor. This God refuses to give up. This God chooses to see the best he can in every situation, forgives the gravest of insults and faults, and loves all of creation as if everything in the Universe was his very own child. It is hard to accept a child who is a deviant or a mass murderer, and yet our environment is full of these. Our God can see himself in these people, and will love and forgive all. For the strict Christians among us, the only way to describe this kind of love is to imagine that Satan is actually your own child . . . a child that you lovingly wished for and planned to create. A child that was a true joy when he arrived, the fulfillment of all your desires. A child that you have hope for . . . one that you continually pray for and help as much as you can. Our God loves Satan . . . despite what is portrayed in the Bible or among many “hellfire and brimstone” preachers. I have direct experience of this undying and overwhelming love. I know it, because I experience it, every minute of every day. I have reached the enlightenment that I have sought for so long. I have it, and I would like to help others achieve it.
    But, you must be warned. It is a treacherous, frightening desire to wish for God and God alone. There is no other purpose to life, and yet we fill our time with so many false pursuits. We wish to avoid the pain of this journey, and so wish for the world to fulfill us with accolades and possessions. I approached life in this way for many, many years. We fool ourselves into thinking that this is correct living, simply because everyone does it. A deeper look into our true being will show clearly that grasping for worldly rewards is never fulfilling. Satan teases us with false promises. The only recourse is to shed the need for worldly happiness and accept the suffering that comes with defeat. Satan has no hold over an empty vessel. If you cannot be swayed, you can find that your are truthfully saved.
    Strict Christians believe that Jesus Christ is the only way to this end. But, every culture on Earth has within its structure a valid path to salvation. A broader view will show that God does not neglect anybody, no matter what religion or neighborhood. Jesus Christ promised to “come again.” He also chastised us for not recognizing him when he came as Elijah. There is no questioning this promise from him. The Christ is always here, one way or another. The Muslims find him in Mohammed. The Buddhists find him in Gautama Buddha. The Zoarastrians find him in Zarathustra. The Hindus find him in Krishna and other manifestations of the Highest of the High. For Jews, regardless of conventional thought that they do not embrace a messiah, the life of Abraham in their history represents a compassionate father and teacher. Moses was also a highly revered teacher to the Jews and the legacy of the Old Testament prophesies provides a path to them through the Ten Commandments, no matter what. Jesus Christ is a culmination of all expectations for Jews and Christians alike, but doubt and uncertainty is always present in the mind, for everyone until experience.
    Meher Baba was born in 1894. To many worldwide, he is the descent of the Messiah, once again. There is no reason to fight over this claim. As Meher Baba himself conveyed, and I am paraphrasing, ‘Everyone is an atheist until he or she has direct experience of the Infinite One.’ There’s nothing to fight about. There’s no profit in religions crusading to make converts. There is only ONE reality on this subject, and that is TOLERANCE.
    To me, it all is important, and I study the stories, myths, biographies, and scriptures of all that I am capable of understanding. Certain subjects in the study of spiritual history are lost to me because of language barriers. But, I do my best to ask the questions that burn within me whenever I am given a chance. A Muslim friend of mine suggested a website on religious tolerance to me. I promptly told him that my greatest challenge with Islam was the lack of emphasis on monogamy. To my mind, we have moved ahead in social understanding and the same Noah from his mythology is the teacher from mine. We are only going to succeed over lust if we are committed to partnerships built on trust and loving kindness. This is why, even though many religions today deny homosexuals the right to marry, I am a fierce advocate for this to change. Our dear friends everywhere deserve to be held in their communities with respect and dignity. When homosexuals are advanced within their homes and neighborhoods by the challenges they accept in loving monogamous union, they will find healthy environments in which to live and raise families. They will be rewarded with friendly neighbors and welcoming churches. The Bible vilifies homosexuality in many places, especially in older books in the history of religious thought. But, in Matthew, one of the Gospels of the New Testament, Jesus assures his apostles that, and I’m paraphrasing, ‘it will go easier on Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than it will on a town that does not welcome you.’ Sodom and Gomorrah were Old Testament cities that fell because of sinful living, and many have interpreted this to mean that homosexual sex was the cause of their destruction. But, we are told over and over that promiscuity and adultery and covetousness are all sinful, and there is no border between the homosexual community and the heterosexual lifestyle when it comes to these issues. The stamp of approval that society gives to a heterosexual marriage does not ensure that the sins of lust will be eradicated within that home. We see evidence of this all the time.
    A marriage for the public face of a narrow minded neighborhood does not equate with a moral certainty. I feel we need to embrace each other in wholeness and fair treatment. That includes the women of every nation. It is not fair to be held as a third or fourth wife to a domineering individual. Fair treatment for both sexes is the only moral path. In true monogamy and true spiritual living, both partners work to eliminate selfish behavior and bend to the needs of the other. Our problems with pornography and prostitution and sex trafficking and slavery of all kinds are a result of imbalanced respect for the “other.” I cannot allow myself to participate in these evils. I cannot find happiness in sexual gratification, even in marriage, because the selfishness that arises always kills my spirit. But, I know how the majority of people feel, and loneliness becomes such a miserable state for so many people, that partnership is a requirement. I have tried this path, too. Divorcing from problematic marriages and relationships was my only option.
    These are my concerns for the new life. They are very simple. I feel that acceptance for the “weird kid” in your family or neighborhood will change the world. When we truthfully ‘love our neighbor as ourself’ it is impossible to shun the needs of those around us, no matter how distant. Your neighbor is your fellow Earthling, my friends. Do not allow him or her to live in poverty of hope or hearth ever again.

systematic abuse

"mental illness" is the scariest thing you can experience, isn't it??? not police brutality. not rape. not stalking by an ex lover. not the separation from your darling child because of retarded accusations and uncaring judgments. but, truthfully, if your "family" member is mentally ill, make sure you persecute that person to the fullest extent of the law, because your life is far more important than hers, isn't it??? make sure you avoid having a real conversation with that person as long as possible, so that you don't know her at all (and never did anyway) and then spread rumors and hearsay among law enforcers who are systematically abusing her with all the power they posses. that's the best way to shut down someone you hate. thanks.

june 1940 — the filth of desires

One day, Baba called the "five Bangalore boys" and asked each, "What do you want? What do you want to do in life?"

          Raju said, "I want to go into business."
          Kalappa replied, "I want to deal in cooking oil."
          Amdoo said, "I would like to drive a tonga."
          Venkoba Rao said, "I want to be a farmer."
          Krishna alone replied, "I want you, Baba!"


Baba looked at him, gesturing, "I will give you Baba!"


He then informed Venkoba, "Wait for some time before you become an agriculturist."


Baba kept Krishna and Venkoba Rao in Meherabad. He sent the other three boys back home, after making arrangements for them according to their wishes. Baba smilingly remarked to Krishna, "You have fallen into a ditch! Now you will be in trouble."


Papa Jessawala was assigned to escort the masts Phulwala and Ramshish back to their villages and Kalappa, Amdoo and Raju to their homes.


Baba's remark to Krishna proved to have a literal meaning a few days later. All of the waste material from the masts' toilets was dumped into a large pit. One day it rained heavily, and the pit filled with water. Papa Jessawala told Krishna to empty the water from the pit with buckets. While cleaning it, Krishna slipped and fell into the pit. He shouted to Venkoba Rao, who pulled him out. Baba came by and saw Krishna covered with the filth. "Why were you cleaning the pit?" he asked. Krishna said that Papa Jessawala had told him to do it.


Baba became upset with Papa. "Why did you tell him to clean the pit without my permission?" he asked. Subsequently, Baba ordered Krishna to bathe sixteen times! He handed Krishna sixteen small stones, with which to count, so he would not make a mistake. After doing as Baba instructed, Krishna told Baba that his skin felt very tight. Baba went to the women's room and brought him some oil to apply to his body.


Baba asked Krishna, "Did you feel bad while cleaning the pit?" He replied, "No."


Baba spelled out, "You, yourself, are full of unclean matter. Do you realize that? Why do you live in such filth? Don't you feel dirty? Start feeling unclean because of the filth of the desires that cover you from head to toe, and begin to clean them as you have cleaned the pit today."

Lord Meher, 1st. ed., Bhau Kalchuri, Vol. 7, p. 2566.

The Avatar Meher Baba Perpetual Public Charitable Trust, Ahmednagar, India are the copyright holders of all of Meher Baba's messages, discourses and photographs, unless otherwise stated.

running onward toward victory

Conflict follows me relentlessly, it seems!

Today, I am just alarmed by sad times with friends who choose to insult instead of listen, several hours of really scary weather in my state last night—tornadoes which left several people dead, a missing handbag which holds documents I need really dramatically, ongoing troubles with money that leave me without gas for hot water and heat, and my almost constant concern about relocation to Africa as soon as I can clear up this mess a little bit.

In the midst of the whirlwind, while feathers of care and worry whip and whirl around me, while the tornado of opposition continues to howl, while authority figures who continue to demand respect are silently dismissed from my life, while I mourn my empty home and keep quiet vigil over the spirit of my estranged daughter . . . I am still at peace internally. I don't know how it is happening, truthfully . . . it's a shocking development in my life . . . but my mind is at rest within.

I am not frantic. I am not panicking. I am not regretful. I am not afraid. I am not angry. I am not hurried. I am not desperate. I am not lonely. I am not in any kind of terror. I am not on a hunt to rescue any "lost" ones. I am not battling any confused spirits, nor any of my own confusion. Today, I am just here, in a now that is simply moving through time and space with gentleness and steadfastness. Praise God. Thank you, Jesus. Avatar Meher Baba ki Jai.

So, as the time passes on, and I simply do the next impossible task on my list and keep plodding forward, I can actually sense that there may be a light at the end of this tunnel. My eternal spring of hopefulness has not run dry!!! It never does. But, today, it bubbles and gurgles with fresh, sweet nectar . . . and I look so forward to that first drink on a shady corridor overlooking the courtyard, at my little desk, with my pens and paper, and some fufu waiting to be made with soup. Pray with me, please, that this simple fantasy is not a pipe dream as I pray continually for your happiness, peace, and transcendence.

Shalom.

selfless devotion

THE HEART SHOULD BE LINKED WITH GOD Meher Baba An easier way to progress on the path and ultimately attain eternal bliss is bhakti yoga. It is an easy method in comparison with karma yoga, but it requires firm determination. There should be only one firm resolve: to attain God, to realize God. Devotions offered with that firm determination will be fruitful. Devotion is not gained by crying out with some selfish motive: "Oh God, give me a wife, give me a son, give me wealth — let honors flow to me!" Such devotion is insipid and dry, and quite empty. Devotion should be offered with the intense desire to see God — to be one with God. This one-pointed devotion should completely absorb the devotee's mind. During such devotional practice, there should be no thought of one's surroundings, one's relatives or the world at all. Devotion does not consist in reading holy books all day long or chanting God's name for hours on end. That is not devotion; it is sheer deceit, a show. The heart should be linked with God. Even five minute of real devotion without any other thought, with concentration only on God, is the real thing. This sincere devotion gradually creates the thirst to love God, and eventually it results in merging in the Ocean of love divine. The more deeply you concentrate, the more intense will be your devotion and the speedier the result. Bhakti yoga especially requires aloofness on the part of the aspirant; it will come naturally in the course of time. As the mind becomes more absorbed in devotion, the more detached it will become from the world and its affairs. This is not the case in karma yoga, where the connection with the world is maintained. If both bhakti and karma yogas are practiced together, all the better. But it should be in the way which I have described. These two yogas need wholehearted intense longing and selfless devotion to realize God. LORD MEHER, 1st ed, Vol. 4, p. 1172, Bhau Kalchuri 1989 © Avatar Meher Baba Perpetual Public Charitable Trust

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things that are real are given and received in silence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=TAXKO6Puw8E#at=672

in a past life

A long time ago, I used to work in the publishing industry. As a writer and scholar, and a really bad college student, I had a lot of trouble choosing a career. My other English major friends went into teaching on the college level. I didn't like school enough to continue on for a Master's degree or PhD so that I could be a professor. I didn't like the nasty competitiveness for tenure and I didn't know if I liked teaching all that much, especially to overgrown, overly spoiled punks who spent all their time partying. So, I skipped out of Graduate school and went to work in business. It took a while to figure out that I still loved education, still loved books, and still wanted to be an author myself. Why not "publishing" as a career??

After 10 years in book publishing, I had a baby and ditched that, too. Oh well.

Miracles and REAL Healing

On April 25th, (1952) Baba answered questions, explaining various things, among them miracles:

"Why should we produce petty imitation illusions in the already created mighty infinite illusion? Unless absolutely necessary for the spiritual purpose of a general collective drawing of mankind toward Self-Realization, miracles performed unnaturally or supernaturally can interfere with God's ordained evolutionary process."

"What about healing?" someone asked.

"Real healing is spiritual healing, whereby the soul, becoming free from desires, doubts and hallucinations, enjoys the eternal bliss of God. Untimely physical healing might retard the spiritual healing. If borne willingly, physical and mental suffering can make one worthy of receiving spiritual healing. Consider mental and physical suffering as gifts from God, which, if accepted gracefully, lead to everlasting happiness."

Someone else inquired, "Will you break your silence during this trip to the West, Baba?"

Baba replied, "God has been everlastingly working in silence, unobserved, unheard, except by those who experience His Infinite Silence. If my silence cannot speak, of what avail would be speeches made by the tongue? The very moment when He thinks my speaking would be heard universally, God will make me break my silence.

"Most persons suffer because of their karma. A few suffer for others. Masters suffer for the whole universe."

 

Baba ended by spelling out, "God is not to be learned or studied or discussed or argued about. He is to be contemplated, felt, loved and lived.

Lord Meher, 1st. ed., Bhau Kalchuri, Vol. 11, pp. 3782 - 3783.

The Avatar Meher Baba Perpetual Public Charitable Trust, Ahmednagar, India are the copyright holders of all of Meher Baba's messages, discourses and photographs, unless otherwise stated.

one coffee awakening

I've had the strangest experiences lately. It seems like, all of a sudden, I have a real life back!! Friends with whom I have lost touch, for what feels like centuries, have come back in contact, and I even had a "girl's weekend" with a long lost friend who found me out of the blue.

When I say "out of the blue" . . . boy am I serious. Since the holidays, I have never been more depressed in my life . . . and that is really something to say if you are chronically depressed like me. But, like I have said in a couple of earlier posts, life truly is getting better, and that's not just "singing in prison." I feel like a little kid, again, in a lot of ways . . . and I'm so happy for the future. FINALLY!!!

In usual fashion, I intend to toast this essay with a cup of coffee. It's my beverage of choice, usually, and for lack of anything stronger to put in it, I will add my usual dollop of cream and say, salud!! My intentions this evening are to bring the world along into greater awareness and awakening, and to keep the happiness rolling in my own life. Thanks, friends . . . and cheers!!!

just an opinion, i suppose

THE SOUL IS NOT THE BRAIN Meher Baba Excerpt from Baba's interview with James Douglas published in the Sunday Express, April 10, 1932 Douglas: Is there a future life? Baba: Yes. The soul does not die. It goes on from life to life till it is merged in God. Douglas: Nirvana? Baba: Yes. But not loss of the self. Douglas: Does the self survive? Baba: Yes. But it is merged in God. The soul is not the brain. It functions the brain. The brain is its instrument. THE PERFECT MASTER, pp. 163-164, C. B. Purdom 1976 © Sheriar Press

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the most amazing teacher, friend, and father — Twig Terwilleger

This was my life in 1999 when a man like this walked in and taught me how to punch.

Sorry everybody. And, thanks, Twig.

May you rest in peace but NEVER stop talking. lol!!!

Spring re-*newal* or re-*fusal*????

No more discussions of holidays. It's so freaking depressing that I just can't stand it. In a previous life, I would be picking up pink and green and blue treasures made of sugar and chocolate, and planning more kid surprises, and I just can't think about that right now. So, bye bye holiday that sounds like the name of a Greek goddess and has mostly to do with a good boiled rabbit over the heath.

This weekend, it will be about a simple Sunday dinner in the crock pot . . . a turkey or chicken or soup made of lentils. Avoid candy as much as possible until further notice. I will put the idea of "resurrection" back where it belongs . . . in Baba's hands . . . and imagine what HE might say about a weird *springish* season in New England that just survived another snowfall and has very little blooming right now.

In true Christian fashion, I will praise Jesus and thank Him for the voluntary bloodletting. Considering how sick I have felt lately, I am so grateful for the infusion of something substantial and pure in this world, no matter how long ago it happened. Baba is no fraidy cat, either, and allowed His blood to be shed in car accidents on two continents, as well as enduring a horrible life ending that included blood transfusions and all kinds of painful indignities to His body. This on top of mental suffering and never ending work for the upliftment of humanity . . . men of dignity and honor, love and service, no matter how you want to decorate your scripture book. Thank you, darlings, and accept my eternal gratitude, praise, and prayers that I am worthy of a place in Your world in any way.

For me, life continues as I hope for a new future with some good times to come. Bloodshed aside, I've shed enough tears to qualify for at least a little poetry writing perhaps, if not scripture. Africa awaits, always, and if I don't "make it in Massachusetts" this time, there is a nice game preserve in Kenya that looks like it has some hungry lions. Hey, the Christians in Rome weren't afraid to face the toothy King of the Pride . . . it's always an option if I am feeling historically accurate to my spiritual path. Keep an open mind for me, though, because I don't have the money for airfare right now.

Ok, then, There's a happy "spring" thought full of sardonic good nature. Mazel tov.

transformations

Finally, the inner peace has arrived. It has been slowly creeping in since the holidays . . . and it has taken the efforts of a herculean giant to hold onto . . . but day after day it continues.

Baba Ran is a regular runaway, for those unaware. The tenor of my life has been so intolerable at times that I simply close the door on certain things and escape when needed. Baba always brings me back to clean up the messes I try and leave behind . . . and this time is no different. This time, the disasters are so enormous in my life that all I can do is laugh. As of today, I face financial difficulties like never before, problems with the law, a never ending dispute over the care of my daughter that just gets more outrageous by the minute, a mishandled divorce, a mishandled romance to be . . . on and on and on. Last night I found myself briefly in a jail cell singing "swing low, sweet chariot" and "don't worry be happy." What else can you do at a time like that?

Strangely, though, the peace of mind continues despite the challenges. I said to myself yesterday that I was starting at such a deficit at this point, but for the first time in years I actually have a future plan that feels wonderful and exciting. How odd to be at my worst possible state ever, as far as society goes, and to be looking so forward into the future with hope. I set myself the challenge of "how high can I get from this low starting line?" There's nothing here but shoe polish, really, but I'm singing a good song. That is the craziness of the "faithful," I guess. When there really is NOTHING left but God . . . He finally starts smiling upon you. How grateful I am for that, today, considering that I was sobbing continually about a month ago.

New ideas for the future include a decision to actually seek a publisher for my novel. I am inspired to complete it in Africa . . . and as part of that decision, I would like to begin anew in my old career as a desktop publisher, graphic designer, and publishing coordinator. I have met so many wonderful writers along the way . . . and if I can sell my novel & poetry along with a series of "unknown world artists" from Africa and beyond, I will be so happy. I'm in negotiations with a gorgeously handsome literary agent from Nairobi . . . so we will see what happens. :-)

Sing a song for me, if you can. Show tunes especially appreciated.

Baba is excited about this

WHAT CAN I PLACE AT YOUR LOTUS FEET? Bal Natu At the home of M. Ramalingeshwar Sastri, who was usually referred to as "Baba Sastri," owing to his penchant for constantly talking about Baba and interspersing his talks with Sanskrit slokas, one of the family members asked Baba, "My Lord, Baba, what can I place at Your lotus feet, other than my own heart? What else can I give you?" This question seemed to kindle a divine light in Baba's eyes and with an aura of love illuminating His face, Baba conveyed, "Give Me what is not Mine! Everything is Mine, except Myself; Myself is for those who love Me."   GLIMPSES OF THE GOD-MAN, Vol. 5, p. 146 1987 © Avatar Meher Baba Perpetual Public Charitable Trust

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