Love Poem

time goes pole pole
and slowly, slowly
my heart grows

if you were to say
"i love you"
in a silly way —

too easily
too confidently
too brash

the pole pole mole
would never
open her eyes to you

but a blind eye
can see everything
and pole pole —

i love you, too.

The Turning of the Key

THE YOUNG SUFI'S LOVE FOR GOD Bill Le Page Three young Sufis were condemned to death by the Sultan for heresy. One stepped forward, asking to be beheaded first. The Sultan was amazed, and asked why a man in the prime of life should seek death so eagerly. The Sufi replied that every moment in life is precious because it can be spent in remembrance of the Beloved, and he wished to give his brothers the extra moments of life by dying first. "One moment of this world is better than a thousand years of the next world, because this is the place of service and that is the place of proximity, and proximity is gained by service." The Sultan was so impressed by the young Sufi's love for God that he pardoned all three and said, "Ask a boon." They replied, "The only boon we ask of you is that you should forget us, and neither make us your favourites nor banish us from your court, for your favour and displeasure are alike to us." The Sultan wept, and dismissed them with honour. THE TURNING OF THE KEY, pp. 153-154 1993 © Bill Le Page

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Blasphemy

Yesterday, Derek told me that it was "unscientific" to talk to (and hear from) God. He didn't really say it in exactly those words, but this has been a longstanding discussion I have been having with this dear one, for a long time, and I am well aware of his opinion on this subject. My darling Derek, for all his resemblance to Jesus (he did, after all, rise from the dead!!!) is a hard one to sell anything "spiritual" to. He is a dyed-in-the-wool skeptic and scientist, and he wants *proof.*

I guess all the chattering I do, out loud, to people I am thinking of and entities who pester me, is not enough scientific proof for most people that I actually experience this stuff. Any bizarre person on the street can do that, and it really has no meaning, overall . . . right? The people who do this stuff end up homeless and in mental hospitals, mostly (yup, I've been there on both counts) and all that scientific stuff we do to them in those hospitals always seems to ***cure*** them . . . right??? Because, science is so sure that *they* are the crazy ones, right????

What I have had the hardest time convincing Derek of is that I AM a scientist . . . to the core!!! I call myself a "science experiment" all the time. I've tried all kinds of medication to "cure" myself of this mental illness, and I have experimented with all kinds of adjustments so that I can have a normal life. I've tried long term psychotherapy (years of it!!), ancient healing techniques from the East, the "location" cure (if you are unhappy in one spot . . . move!), having relationships, leaving relationships, staying close to family members, rejecting family members . . . I've tried everything I can think of, and I have done it very scientifically. And, today, I feel a lot better!!! I feel GOOD, even. Doesn't that appear to be sound medicine and a methodical approach to healing? Experimental method. hmm.

All I can say is, I believe in God *and* dinosaurs. I believe in God *and* evolution. I believe in God *and* DNA. I believe in God *and* physics, mathematics, chemistry, biology and all the wonderful achievements of science. To me, God is the *ultimate* scientist . . . and I really love Him for it.

The Essence of Marriage

Last night, a friend asked me what marriage meant to me. My response was quick . . . but honest. I said "aisle, dress, kid (before it gets too late.) you know, the real deal."

But, honestly, I had none of that with Derek, and I still consider it a truly bona fide marriage. We eschewed all convention and exchanged gold rings in a jewelry store in front of the clerk. We told people we had been married by a "J.P.," which to most people means "Justice of the Peace" or "civil marriage." We took it to mean "jewelry person," but still considered the whole thing very official. Derek took his vow according to Ralph Waldo Emerson, and I took a silent vow ("things that are real are given and received in silence" — Meher Baba.) And, we called ourselves married, and we meant it. Today, I consider him my "ex-husband" . . . but we never had to go through a messy, state orchestrated divorce & thank God for that.

It was as real as real could be . . . and much happier than my first marriage (which, by the way, included "aisle, dress, and kid.") So, when my response was so quick last night, I really wondered about myself. How do I *really* feel about marriage??? What does it consist of??? What makes it "the real deal," after all????

All I can say is that with the new man in my life, I really want the whole nine yards — in a way that I have never wanted it before. This time around, I feel a deeper love than I have ever been capable of, and a deeper commitment to "happily ever after," if it is at all possible. "The real deal" today, means that I never want to part ways, over ANYTHING . . . I want this one to work, and I want both of us to work it REALLY well, so that we are together in old age and that all of my fears about relationships are finally healed up.

My final analysis on this subject is this:

If you are ready for that in your 20s . . . GREAT. If you can't manage it until your 40s . . . congratulations for finally making it there. If you want to eschew convention & have a jewelry clerk perform your ceremony, GO FOR IT. If you are a same-sex couple, or not sure about whether kids are in your future . . . SO WHAT??? Shoot for "happily ever after" and forget about the other stuff. After much thought, I must say, that THAT seems like "the real deal" to me.

Spiritual Perfection does not mean "no suffering." Just the opposite, in fact.

A yogi can do all the jugglery by using psychic powers. He can abstain from food, go without sleep, leave the body at will, or stop his breathing, et cetera. Spiritually considered, a moral, good man who works in the world selflessly for others is much better and stands higher than many yogis with all their occult powers of performing miracles, which are nothing but jugglery without any spiritual importance at all; because whatever a yogi does is for his own individual self, and hence he is not selfless. He overcomes one illusion by creating another, which differs fundamentally from the teaching and work of a Sadguru or Qutub.

Lord Meher, 1st. ed., Bhau Kalchuri, Vol. 7, p. 2232.

It is foolish to think that a person who has reached the highest goal has done so at no personal cost. It is a very childish viewpoint to think that "perfection" is granted at birth or developed effortlessly. Intense suffering is required for the individual, and works along the laws of karma. Evil doing of all kind must be worked out flawlessly in the person undergoing the "unveiling." This person does evil, thinks evil, acts evil and portrays all of the evils within himself or herself along the way. Do not think that this growth is easy, by any means. It is TORTURE. But, it is worth EVERYTHING it takes to be a person of honor and dignity . . . afraid of nothing and nobody . . . in the end.

I love you

LOVE ONLY GIVES AND GOES ON GIVING Meher Baba When love draws you to Me, don't ask for anything. When you are in My presence, be a silent recipient. Ask and you lose. Love has no questions and hence expects no answers. Love itself is the answer to all questions. The more you love Me, the less you question. Love is eager to respond to the slightest wish of the Beloved, and there is no scope for why and wherefore while obeying the Master. When in my sahavas (company) be attentive and receptive to what I may say, but do not question. Pampering the intellect brings forth innumerable questions. All these questions can be answered but that is not spiritually indispensable. Mere intellectual explanations will not take you out of the muddle of your mind but will puzzle you all the more. Try to grasp what I have already said. To demand anything from the beloved is an insult to love. Love only gives and goes on giving till the will of the Beloved alone manifests through the lover. PRACTICAL SPIRITUALITY, p. 140, John A. Grant 1985 © Avatar Meher Baba Perpetual Public Charitable Trust

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Losing Friends

There's an interesting thing you can do if you are a member of Facebook. To be in the Facebook network, you collect links to different people by making them your friends. All it takes is a "friend request" and a "confirmation" from the person on the other end. It's really fun, and I have started going around finding new people to make my friends. It was a global search, really, and brought me to a really cool bunch of people from Kenya.

Well, lo and behold, hidden away among this crowd of people was my jewel. He's a wonderful man, and he was so sweet to me. I ignored him for a really long time while he was very painfully searching for a new relationship. But, all of a sudden, he asked *me* if *I* was his "true love!!" I couldn't believe it. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen. I am all the way around the world, and I was just having fun learning about some new friends. I never expected a man from that culture to be interested in me.

In America, we get all kinds of warnings about "meeting foreigners on line." Inevitably, they warn us, these people only want "our money" or they want to "come here" because America is so great . . . not because they really love you. In fact, I told a few people about this new guy who was interested in me, and I got the same DIRE warnings about "foreigners."

But, he didn't WANT to come here. He kept asking *me* to go *there!* And, I was really thinking about it. America hasn't been that great to me, in fact, she has hurt me terribly with her judgments and hypocrisy. I don't play the American game very well, at all. So, finally, after quite a while of this wrangle, I told him YES. I want to come to Kenya.

oops. Big mistake, ladies. Don't show that you are too interested in your guy. They really only like the "chase." Once they have you, all the fun is over for them. Now, they have the right to pick apart all your faults and drive you away. Well, he did THAT too, and now he has done something really mean in Facebook world. He un-friended me.

It's a shame, really. It would have been fun. I hope Mashe thinks a lot about how he REALLY feels about this. Because, I really like him a lot, and I would totally re-friend him if he asked. Any time.