It is my experience that God speaks to me.
This experience began to manifest itself in 1999 when I was suicidal. Instead of hurting myself, I surrendered my life to God by lying facedown on the floor and saying with all my heart, "God, I have done everything I can do on my own. I can do no more. If you want me to get up from this floor, You are going to have to do it for me."
I blacked out. I don't know how long I was lying there, but when I arose I felt the distinct presence of an angel—the Archangel Michael to be exact. Michael was directing my life and body, and God was talking to me through my spiritual ears. God asked me what I wanted. I was so sad and broken that I said, "I want a party." In a sweet, compassionate voice, I heard God say, "Are you sure?"
God was so gentle, so loving, so kind. I immediately broke down crying and regretted asking for a party. I said, "No God. I want Love. I want Love for me, Love for You, and Love for all the world."
God said "Done."
Since that time, I have had regular experiences like this. Soon after this began happening, I learned of Meher Baba, a Master from India who claimed to be the modern advent of Jesus Christ. Through many revelations, dreams, and visions, as well as thorough studying of Meher Baba's words and life, I have come to believe that His claim is true.
All of this hit me like lightning. I felt as if bolts of electricity were shooting from my head to my feet. I couldn't control my joy at finding God, and I started acting in a very bizarre manner. I told people that I was talking to God, and my family and friends called me "delusional." Mental health professionals called me "bi-polar" and "grandiose." No matter what medications they put me on, I still had regular contact with God. Over time, I have spoken to assorted angels, spirits, and demons, all while working for God to spread knowledge of Meher Baba to the world.
My mental illness is nothing new in spiritual literature. Meher Baba writes about it in Discourses (6th edition, Volume 3, pages 29-30.) According to Baba, some spiritual aspirants "become dazed, confused and even self-deluded. Some are caught in a coma. There are some who, with difficulty, try to come down to gross consciousness by repeating some physical action or by repeating a sentence many times. There are some who, in their God-intoxication, are so indifferent to the life of the gross world that to all appearances their external behavior is like that of mad persons." . . . "Aspirants are mostly happy: it is due to their contact and communion with God. For some the joy of inward companionship with the Divine Beloved is so great that they become unbalanced in their behaviour. As a result, in their unsubdued state of God-intoxication they may abuse people, throw stones at them and behave like ghosts. Their state is often described as that of the Unmatta. Owing to the exuberance of uncontrolled joy in their inward contact with the Divine Beloved, they are utterly heedless of worldly standards or values. Owing to the fearlessness which comes to them through complete detachment, they often manifest a self-expression which can easily be mistaken for idiosyncrasy and unruliness." (Emphasis His)
Readings like this helped me through very difficult times. I've swung back and forth for the last 16 years, from states of total absorption in God to relatively normal living. I've been evaluated and treated in nearly 30 mental hospitals and I currently take medication for bi-polar disorder. I find our mental health system to be sorely lacking in information about spiritual "emergencies." Most providers treat only according to the medical model which diagnoses every disorder as biological in nature. I've had very few therapists willing to talk about spiritual realities with me, and many people "correct" me to say that I am not hearing God, but hearing "voices" as if I were schizophrenic.
It is my hope to inform the public that there is more out there and that much of it can't be "fixed" with a pill. Problems like mine needed spiritual help, and I have been blessed to know several people in the Meher Baba community who give me the support and encouragement I need. Over time, I have stabilized and have been able to function without difficulty in the gross world. My Reality remains within me, however. As Meher Baba said, "God alone is Real."
