Why do I do it?

The singular most often question asked about me is "Why?" The funny thing is, most people in my life are asking that question of each other instead of asking me directly.

"Why is she so 'unhappy' . . . 'angry' . . . 'unusual' . . . 'non-conforming' . . . 'crazy?'"

"Why does she say such bizarre things about God? Isn't God supposed to be 'love,' 'tolerance,' 'compassion,' 'kindness?'"

"Why does she continue looking into every religion imaginable? Doesn't she know there is only ONE God . . . you know, MY God?"

I find it funny that for years this has been going on among my colleagues, friends, and family . . . and there has been less than a handful of people who have actually asked me to my face.

Here is my answer:

Many people I have known who have professed that they had the "right" or "only" God have had a really hard time being 'tolerant' and 'compassionate.' They may have been "kind," meaning that generally they were polite and smiled a lot. They usually had very nice lives and very nice possessions to prove that they were doing it "right" and that their God had blessed them very well. They did lots of appropriate things . . . like feeding their kids vegetables and volunteering for "parent duties" at the school or on the soccer field. They had a general air of correctness because they modeled their lives after all of the cereal commercials and home decorating shows. In their minds and in their homes they had lots of reasons for believing that they were doing it right. I have been very happy for them, in general, and have wished my life could "look" like that, many times. I have hoped with all my heart that internally, and in all of their relationships, they were as happy as they appeared on the outside.

For me, however, the appearance of happiness (I had it for a while . . . in a long ago past when I was married to a guy with career potential and had the trappings of the American Dream) never really cut the mustard. It is possible that I was missing something crucial in the equation, back then, and that my other friends already had the thing I was missing. No matter how good I looked or how successful I was (my career took off for a while, and I worked at some big places including MIT) I was always miserable. I was stuck in an emotional vacuum. I didn't KNOW myself at all, and couldn't express what was making me so unhappy, in any way. Unfortunately, my family is a bit dopey on the subject of emotional expression. I love them, but they are "surface dwellers." There wasn't much support from my birth family, and there was a whole lot of judgment.

So, being pushed beyond my limits to feel bad and still "fit in" . . . I went nuts. I decided that this weird, false society I was trying to adjust to was really a sham, at least for me. The only place I knew to turn was to God. The psychiatrists weren't helping me be happy . . . they were just letting me dwell on my unhappiness and prescribing medication so I wouldn't feel any of the unhappiness so much. It didn't really help me move beyond unhappiness or heal. When I meditated, prayed, and focused on the thoughts and feelings within my heart, I felt better.

Then, I started hearing the Voice. Ok . . . so this is the point where I lost GAZILLIONS of people in my life. If you don't want to hear the truth of my experience, or if you want to endlessly debate its validity, please go away.

{For a clear understanding of what the Voice is, to me, please read Chapter One of my book Walking in the Fire Lane (see tabs above.)}

Anyway, I have followed the instructions in my heart and from the Voice, for about a decade now. It has led me to homelessness, loss of career, loss of relationships, loss of money, sentencing to mental hospitals on an occasional basis, and general "weirdness" according to this society (which, I have already told you, didn't mean that much to me anyway.) It has also led to happiness, wholeness, healing, maturity, gratefulness, and growth.

THIS is why I do it. THIS is why I really don't even try to conform any more. THIS is why I don't worry about whether people think I am normal or whether I am always kind to people who bug me. I will not be a phony "kind" person just to try and appear Godly. I have a path that requires rigorous honesty, and that means that if I'm bugged, I act bugged. I try to be bugged in a mature way, but the truth is that I will tell you why and how you have bugged me. People really don't like that. It gets me in trouble, a lot. Oh well.

Being honest about being bugged, however, does not mean that I am not tolerant or compassionate. On the contrary, you can rest assured that I am being completely truthful, and that I am not holding back any deep, twisted bigotry or judgment. That stuff has been beaten out of me over the years . . . I've had to face all of my emotional ugliness and accept it, learn from it, and move on. If you come to me for help, I will treat you with love and respect, no matter where you are emotionally. But, I will probably piss you off at some point, so be prepared!!!!