The Examined Life

It is a source of confusion for most people. I have been asked if I work. I have been asked what I do. Well-meaning friends have made suggestions to me for contacts and "links" to pursue in selling my writing. Most people seem very confused about my purpose or motivation, and wonder considerably about why I do not pursue paid employment. It seems quite unpalatable to many people that I spend a lot of time in criticism of society, without actually participating in it their way by paying taxes and being 'part of the system.'

All I can say to these comments is that I have worked within the system, for most of my life. I was working as a babysitter in my neighborhood at 12 years old, and continued working hard for money for many, many years. As a high school student, I worked for the State as a helper and caretaker for disabled elderly people. I also worked as a waitress in a breakfast restaurant on weekends . . . which required a 5:00 a.m. arrival on Saturday mornings! I donated a portion of my income to my mom, who was single and struggling financially, for things like my braces and my tuition at the local Catholic high school. I bought my own clothes from about 7th grade on. I worked on campus in college, as a waitress and librarian. I worked every summer while I was a student, except for the summer of college graduation when I took a low-budget backpacking trip to Europe. I came straight home in August, though, and got to "work." From there, I worked myself into a career in publishing, which looked to be a lifetime pursuit for a long time. I expected to eventually start my own business or at least freelance in that industry while I raised a family. I paid taxes, and Social Security money, and invested in the system for decades. When I got sick with symptoms of bi-polar disorder at 34 years old, and became qualified for Social Security disability money, I was embarrassed and ashamed to stop working, even though it was absolutely impossible for me to continue. Over the years I have had odd-jobs and occasional employment in coffee shops or department stores, but it always ends the same way. Panic attacks and depression eventually make "working for money" so painful that I walk away from whatever I am doing. I find myself back at home . . . enjoying life best when I am cooking something delicious in my kitchen, studying the writings of spiritual Masters, and caring for my small circle of loved ones (the ones who really care back properly.)

Overall, though, the only pursuit that has had any real meaning for me, the only activity that has ever brought me real satisfaction on any level, has been my own writing, thinking and philosophizing. This pursuit has been with me right from the beginning . . . far earlier in life than there was ever a thought that I would get paid for "working" in any way. I learned the word contemplation from a babysitter when I was 4 years old, and discovered my life's true passion at that tender age. As a kid, I used to hope for a day when I could make a living as a philosopher. I really dreaded the idea of having a career . . . even though, eventually, I really did work very hard to create one. Truly, though, what I really hoped for from life was the ability to "sit and think" for a living. I remember my mother asking me, at about age 12, what I wanted to be in life, and I said "I want to be an expert."

The only way I have been given the chance to approach that dream, however, was through an enormous amount of pain and suffering. Over the last decade, I have been hospitalized extensively for repeated nervous breakdowns and "mania" that has made it nearly impossible for me to continue on in society at all. I encourage my friends to remember this when they become angry at me for whatever "laziness" they ascribe to me. It's all there in black and white . . . hospital accounts, police reports, and whatever evidence they might need. I am a rational thinker, today. I am still a good writer, and a creative voice in poetry and fiction. These are skills and inherent qualities that I possess. But, there have been many years of my life where I have never thought I would demonstrate these blessings, ever again. I don't expect that any of my friends wishes to see that side of my story first-hand.

To my darling friends who 'work the system' so successfully, I applaud you. Congratulations on your retirement plans and summer homes. With the money you pay in taxes, your families have the benefit of excellent schools and top-notch government services. Yes, in ways, your money does help to support me as I live on Social Security money and use some government benefits for low-income residents. And, I do understand your reluctance to listen to my criticisms of the society that you are building. I just wish for you to remember that I have seen practically all sides of this society, from top to bottom, and I feel pretty well justified in commenting. I am educated, I am devoted to a better life for all people, and I have experience. You may consider me "crazy" if you wish, but my voice is here to stay.