The Essence of Marriage

Last night, a friend asked me what marriage meant to me. My response was quick . . . but honest. I said "aisle, dress, kid (before it gets too late.) you know, the real deal."

But, honestly, I had none of that with Derek, and I still consider it a truly bona fide marriage. We eschewed all convention and exchanged gold rings in a jewelry store in front of the clerk. We told people we had been married by a "J.P.," which to most people means "Justice of the Peace" or "civil marriage." We took it to mean "jewelry person," but still considered the whole thing very official. Derek took his vow according to Ralph Waldo Emerson, and I took a silent vow ("things that are real are given and received in silence" — Meher Baba.) And, we called ourselves married, and we meant it. Today, I consider him my "ex-husband" . . . but we never had to go through a messy, state orchestrated divorce & thank God for that.

It was as real as real could be . . . and much happier than my first marriage (which, by the way, included "aisle, dress, and kid.") So, when my response was so quick last night, I really wondered about myself. How do I *really* feel about marriage??? What does it consist of??? What makes it "the real deal," after all????

All I can say is that with the new man in my life, I really want the whole nine yards — in a way that I have never wanted it before. This time around, I feel a deeper love than I have ever been capable of, and a deeper commitment to "happily ever after," if it is at all possible. "The real deal" today, means that I never want to part ways, over ANYTHING . . . I want this one to work, and I want both of us to work it REALLY well, so that we are together in old age and that all of my fears about relationships are finally healed up.

My final analysis on this subject is this:

If you are ready for that in your 20s . . . GREAT. If you can't manage it until your 40s . . . congratulations for finally making it there. If you want to eschew convention & have a jewelry clerk perform your ceremony, GO FOR IT. If you are a same-sex couple, or not sure about whether kids are in your future . . . SO WHAT??? Shoot for "happily ever after" and forget about the other stuff. After much thought, I must say, that THAT seems like "the real deal" to me.